Last year via this checklist, I tried to provide gentle guidance for a happy Mother’s Day for any mom (cough, me, cough). But over the past few weeks, when my husband S asked me what I wanted for this Sunday, I had no clue. When he sent the kids in, one by one, to ask me the same question, I still had nothing.
This indecision baffles my husband as much as it worries him. He wants to give me a nice day, no doubt about it. But he also likes to set the bar high on Mother’s Day, because he knows that right around the corner is Father’s Day and his R.O.I. (return on investment).
Between you and me, I do have a list of things I want, but the items on it are a little tricky to wrap:
1. Bug-killer vision. I’d like to be able to kill bugs (gnats, mosquitoes, spiders, and those big, hairy-scary, ugly ones) with my mind. So, that spider way up on the ceiling above my daughter’s bed that’s messing with her ability to fall asleep? One glance and he’s vaporized. Or, if you prefer, one glance and he’s humanely captured and gently released into a quaint barnyard with lots of places to spin webs for the rest of his natural life. Whatever works to get him out of my kid’s room.
2. A self-cleaning house. Similar to a self-cleaning oven, I’d like to hit a button and walk away, knowing that the entire house was cleaning itself to the point of shining while I’m out. When I’d return, the bathrooms would be spotless, the kitchen gleaming, the trash taken out, and the clutter dispatched. And a couple of times a year, I’d like it also to wash the windows. Sure, technically, you can pass this chore down to your teens and tweens, but a self-cleaning house would include a bicker-free, sigh-free, rolling-the-eyes-free mode. Don’t you think the first person who actually figures out how to do this will be a multi-multi-billionaire?
3. The Powerball jackpot. Speaking of loads of money, I’d like to win one of the enormous lottery payoffs. Now I’ve read somewhere that winning that kind of money changes you, causes more grief than you’d ever imagine, and isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I think they only tell you that to make you feel better about not winning it, so I’d like a shot at one of those crazy huge jackpots to see if it’s true. Purely for research’s sake.
4. A real-life Laundry Fairy on call 24/7. Enough said.
5. Ditto for a Cooking Fairy. I enjoy making dinner — sometimes. But increasingly, I’m finding that our menu consists of the same 4 items in rotation, and “Whatever You Can Find” shows up far too frequently. And if the Cooking Fairy could also shop for groceries so we could prepare any meal at any time? Brilliant.
6. Instant subconscious messaging. Forget texting. I’d like to be able to send certain instant messages into my kids’ minds at just the right moment, like:
- “Does that seem like a good idea?”
- “Are you sure you want to do that?”
- “Have you thought about that all the way through?”
- “You might want to knock that off right now.”
- “Did you remember to bring everything?
- “Is that going to leave a permanent mark?””
- “What would your Grandmother say about that?”
- “Maybe you should call Mom.”
I’m sure these thoughts tickle my kids’ consciences, but oh, for the ability to ensure that each one stops and listens to that little voice!
7. Guaranteed happiness and success for my kids. This is what I want more than anything else. I’d like to know that my children are going to grow up, find their calling and throw themselves into it headlong. That they’ll be successful and independent and healthy and wise beyond their years. That they’ll find their true loves and grow old with them. That they will be protected from harm and vice. And at the same time, I’d like to see them grow into gracious, empathetic, fair-minded, patient adults.
Even though I’d like to keep them in this Truman Show bubble, I know that I can’t shelter them from everything. I realize that sometimes we grow as people only through great loss or trial or disappointment. Without adversity, my kids may never learn perseverance. Without hardships, their characters may not be tempered into the independent-minded and self-reliant souls that I want them to become.
But since this is my wish list, I’d like my kids to find happiness without experiencing too much heartbreak. That’s all I really want.
I’m just not sure how to put a bow on that.
Happy Mother’s Day.